The Myth of Mommy Brain

I'm here to confirm this is in fact, not a myth.

I am living proof that "mommy brain" does exist. Apparently it is living and breathing quite well inside of me!

I have ALWAYS been a pretty organized person. I remember to send birthday cards. I remember when our dog needs her monthly heartworm pills. I directed a camp for eighty kids. I enjoy filing things and labeling. This kind of stuff makes me happy and in many ways offers me a sense of control in an often chaotic world.

When I became pregnant I was warned about this new ailment that would befall me. I would be afflicted with a brain of Swiss cheese. I must say that I made it through pregnancy pretty well. No major missteps in the brain department. Even post baby I did pretty well...up until this weekend. This weekend I REALLY messed up. Thank goodness for creative parenting, a supportive bra and babies r us.

Michael and I packed up Harper and Luna after work on Friday to drive to SC to visit my parents. Per usual, I made a list of what needed to be packed but apparently I was a little too vague.

The day started with me forgetting to pick up my prescription from work despite it being written down in my planner. This should have been an indicator of the rest of the night because I managed to forget to pack the following items for our two day trip:
my medications, power cord for breast pump, connector and valve for breast pump, and travel crib. Now any of these in isolation would be bad but all of them together was just pitiful. Luckily we survived the weekend with creative problem solving and an early morning trip to babies r us.

Luckily, I can live without my medicines for a couple days. Its not ideal but totally doable.
The lack of a place for Harper to sleep just meant that we lived the "family bed" lifestyle for a couple nights. Not totally restful but the feel of my tiny daughters hand lying against my chest makes me melt.
The pump parts were more of a challenge because I pumped prior to beginning the 5 hour drive and planned to pump when we arrived around 11:00 in the evening. As you can imagine I really needed to pump upon arriving at my parents. I was devastated to find out that I had left two essential pieces behind. My list had "pump stuff" written on it which was clearly too vague for the sieve that is now my brain.
After a midnight run to wal-mart, I realized I was going to have to wait out the night until babies r us opened at 9am.
Ouch is really all I can say about how I felt in the morning. I was so desperate prior to the store opening I tried to see if Harper would nurse. No luck. My daughter is completely a bottle baby and none of those exhausting first 6 weeks are in her memory.Needless to say we were the first visitors to the store.

The weekend ended happily despite the rocky start. Lots of hanging around letting Harper get to know Grandma and Grandpa. A walk in the sunshine and lots of quality cuddle time!

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

I cannot believe she is 3.5 months old already. I also cannot imagine life without her. Today I met my friend Laurie's new baby boy, Ezra Leif Howlett. As I watched her gingerly pick him up, change his tiny diaper and teach him how to nurse I was whisked back to the moment Harper was placed in my arms. The most amazing day of my life. Each night when I go to sleep, I walk past her bassinet and place my hand upon her chest and pray that her life is full of blessings. And that one day she too has an opportunity to become a mom because it is the best role ever and I'm doing everything I can to savor every moment!

Bittersweet

Yup that sums it up. Tomorrow is bittersweet because in many ways I am excited about returning to work and using skills that have been collecting dust over the past few months. The other part of me is trying to tape together my broken heart for leaving my baby girl at day-care. I have not been away from her for more than a couple of hours since she was born. From rooming with us the entire hospital stay to STILL being in our bedroom to sleep at night, she is my little button that is always with me.

I have received so many kind emails and calls from mom's who have been there and done the same thing. I REALLY appreciate all of the support and yes, I know I can do it. I know the first few weeks will stink. I know it will get easier. I know she will love it.

My brain knows all of this.

My heart doesn't.

One More Week

So I have been off from work for nine weeks and my little girl is two months old. I return to work in one week. How did the time go by so fast? In a blink of an eye, my screaming newborn is a giggly, smiley two month old. I am dreading the idea of dropping her off for her first day of daycare next Monday. The only consolation is that three weeks later, I have almost a full week off for Christmas. This is all I can say on this subject without crying.


This past weekend was great. My parents came in and we also had Daniel for the holiday. For those of you who do not know, Daniel is my step-son. Luckily my parents house sat for a friend of mine which prevented all of us from being cramped in our tiny town house. We spend the holiday eating yummy food, watching lots of football and basketball and Christmas shopping. My parents were even kind enough to babysit so Michael and I could have a date on Saturday.


Here's some pics from the holiday weekend and a few other randoms :)

Decked out in our Tar heel gear. Michael is looking forward to purchasing her first Tar heel cheerleader outfit

We were a layover stop for my niece who attends Coastal Carolina in South Carolina

Family photo taken last weekend at a local park. Poor Harper didn't have sunglasses



So this is her unhappy face...so sad!



Luckily its often followed by this face!

Hurdles and Changes

I am still a terrible blogger but honestly when I remember to pull out the computer I am usually interrupted by needing to feed my child, take out the dog or honestly, I am just too tired. I am seizing this opportunity while Harper is napping to put out a quick update.

We continue to learn about our little lady each day. We have had various struggles with milk production, nursing, formula, etc. and I hope I am not premature in saying that I THINK we have a system starting that will work for us. I am pumping all the time with little result but I am able to at least provide some breast milk with each feed and I am learning to be happy with that. Harper never latched well so I was using a shield and she quickly lost interest with nursing as soon as we introduced a bottle when we supplemented with formula. This resulted in alot of mom tears but I had to increase my pumping in order to return to work anyway, we just did it quicker that I would have liked.

MJ and I have had a great circle of friends step in to give us a couple nights out. We managed dinner out on my actual birthday thanks to my childhood friend Chad. I even had a yummy Guinness (hey, its good for milk production!) and we also had a fancy dinner out the following weekend at Nana's. We had a gift certificate and we did the tasting menu. Michael told me I had been watching to much Top Chef when I turned and looked at him and commented on the excellent blend of sweet and bitter flavors in our steak dish :)

Harper is growing like a weed and is almost out of newborn clothes mostly due to length issues. She had her one month appointment and her stats are:

Weight: 9.4 (47th percentile)

Length: 21.75 (68th percentile)

Head circumference:14.8 (55th percentile)

Harper managed to rock two Halloween costumes this year. First she was Hedwig to Michael's Harry Potter. And yes, so begins the costume making :)

She was fortunate to receive lots of Halloween gear...I guess people think I like that day or something!

Her second costume was a kitty cat...complete with puppy friend. I am thinking that will not be the last time she gets licked in the face by Luna!

She is sleeping well most nights and we are hoping as we transition to week 7 that a schedule will appear as I will soon be returning to work (can't even talk about it without tearing up) and having a routine will be important. She is smiling and reaching for objects. She holds her head well and even manages to lock her legs and "stand" when Michael is holding her. She is a total joy and we are so intrigued to see if her blond curls are permanent. Most people are in agreement that she looks like Michael although the Range nose made its way into her genes.

Overall, we are doing well. We are enjoying the sunny Fall days and try to take Luna for a walk each day...okay, maybe every other :)

A brief photo update

Lets be honest, most of my days are spent nursing my child and continuing to figure out each little cry, grimace or smile so there is nothing major to report. I occasionally manage to take Luna (our dog) for a walk and take a shower each day. We have had some visitors stopping by to meet the little lady including her big brother and sister.

We are slowly learning Harper's likes (sometimes the swing, baths, all things milk related) and dislikes (not being in Mommy's arms when trying to sleep, sometimes the swing, the Moby when its warm outside).

Here's a few photos of Harper...she already looks bigger to me!

Our Girl!

On September 23, our lives changed forever when we welcomed Harper Lee Smith into our lives. She weighed 8lbs and 8oz and arrived with a head of blond curls. The curls are from mommy and the blond is from daddy. Grandma and grandpa were there to meet their newest granddaughter.

Beware: If you continue to read below, you may learn more that you will want to know about my birth story so read at your own risk.

It all started on Wednesday night when I thought I was having bladder issues. Goodness knows that I pretty much had to pee constantly in my pregnancy but this evening I was going constantly, almost like a slow leak. I called my doula who said that I could wait til morning to call the doctor. I went to work on Thursday, attended a meeting and then called my doctor to explain my "leak". They set me up with an appointment for 12:30 so I left to pick up Michael. We managed to squeeze in a lunch at Mellow Mushroom prior to our appointment.

I met with the NP who pulled did a paper test and determined that my water had broken or was "leaking". We were to be admitted but MJ and I had to return to his office for his car and to our house to pick up our hospital bag. We arrived around 3:00 and after a short wait in the admitting area I was wheeled to the Maternity floor. It was all a bit surreal. I imagined my admission to be at night while I was in active labor. Instead, I was feeling totally fine and managed to make some phone calls on the way to the hospital.

We got there and they shut the door and MJ and I just looked at one another like, "now what?"

They put in my IV and gave me some antibiotics and started the pitocin drip to kick start my labor. My doula arrived and the three of us started walking laps in the hall. We watched part of Bridesmaids and Project Runway and finally I was starting to feel some strong contractions. I was only 1cm (barely) at admission so I knew I had a ways to go.

My parents arrived and spent time moving from the room, coaches corner (where they had snacks, etc.) and the waiting area. Throughout the night my contractions continued to increase in intensity and I continued to move from the bed, the birth ball, the tub and Michael's arms. Whatever brought relief was the position that won in the moment. The most relief was in the tub by far...I would have stayed there forever if I could have. My doula, Anne was wonderful and encouraging and such a support to both MJ and I. She gave me a foot massage, talked me through contractions and made suggestions of alternate positions to try for relief. Often being hugged by Michael provided the most relief.

Around 8am, I was in the tub after no sleep and MJ was pouring warm water over my belly which seemed to lessen the contractions. I was really tired but after 16+ hours I knew some progress had been made. I looked at MJ with tears in my eyes and asked, what if I've made no progress? He replied that I MUST have after such a hard night.

My fears came true when the doctor checked me at 8am and said I was at 2cm. I was utterly deflated and all self-doubt came rushing over me. They upped my pitocin and said that at 4cm I could have an epidural. I had thought long and hard about an epidural. Both my doula and Michael knew that I did not want one if I could avoid it. No, I wasn't trying to be a martyr. First, I hate needles. I know that you do not see it, but my IV alone was enough to cause me distress so sitting still while a large one was placed in my back was not something I wanted to tackle. Second, I moved around ALOT in labor and I knew an epidural would limit that and confine me to my bed. I did not like the idea of not having control over ways I wanted to move in order to tolerate the pain.

Over the next two hours I moved to 5cm and my nurses (Gail and Cheryl) came to talk to me about the epidural. Gail has been a L&D nurse for decades and Cheryl was from mother/baby and was shadowing for the day. They were both wonderful and complimented each other in a good cop/bad cop kind of way. Gail had seen me moving alot and had read the notes from the previous nurse and had my same concern about my inability to move after having an epidural. She totally supported me and offered Stadol instead. It doesn't take away the pain but is a short acting pain reliver that allows the mom to rest between contractions and lessens the length of the contraction or at least makes it seem that its shorter. You can only have three doses and each dose only lasts an hour.

I made more progress every hour and a half or so and around 4pm I finally made it to 10cm and wanted to push. An hour later, Harper arrived. The cord was around her neck so it took her a couple minutes (three to be exact) to cry. It was the longest three minutes of my life but totally worth it. All the pain quickly subsided when I saw her and held her against me. We are truly blessed!!