Bittersweet

Yup that sums it up. Tomorrow is bittersweet because in many ways I am excited about returning to work and using skills that have been collecting dust over the past few months. The other part of me is trying to tape together my broken heart for leaving my baby girl at day-care. I have not been away from her for more than a couple of hours since she was born. From rooming with us the entire hospital stay to STILL being in our bedroom to sleep at night, she is my little button that is always with me.

I have received so many kind emails and calls from mom's who have been there and done the same thing. I REALLY appreciate all of the support and yes, I know I can do it. I know the first few weeks will stink. I know it will get easier. I know she will love it.

My brain knows all of this.

My heart doesn't.

One More Week

So I have been off from work for nine weeks and my little girl is two months old. I return to work in one week. How did the time go by so fast? In a blink of an eye, my screaming newborn is a giggly, smiley two month old. I am dreading the idea of dropping her off for her first day of daycare next Monday. The only consolation is that three weeks later, I have almost a full week off for Christmas. This is all I can say on this subject without crying.


This past weekend was great. My parents came in and we also had Daniel for the holiday. For those of you who do not know, Daniel is my step-son. Luckily my parents house sat for a friend of mine which prevented all of us from being cramped in our tiny town house. We spend the holiday eating yummy food, watching lots of football and basketball and Christmas shopping. My parents were even kind enough to babysit so Michael and I could have a date on Saturday.


Here's some pics from the holiday weekend and a few other randoms :)

Decked out in our Tar heel gear. Michael is looking forward to purchasing her first Tar heel cheerleader outfit

We were a layover stop for my niece who attends Coastal Carolina in South Carolina

Family photo taken last weekend at a local park. Poor Harper didn't have sunglasses



So this is her unhappy face...so sad!



Luckily its often followed by this face!

Hurdles and Changes

I am still a terrible blogger but honestly when I remember to pull out the computer I am usually interrupted by needing to feed my child, take out the dog or honestly, I am just too tired. I am seizing this opportunity while Harper is napping to put out a quick update.

We continue to learn about our little lady each day. We have had various struggles with milk production, nursing, formula, etc. and I hope I am not premature in saying that I THINK we have a system starting that will work for us. I am pumping all the time with little result but I am able to at least provide some breast milk with each feed and I am learning to be happy with that. Harper never latched well so I was using a shield and she quickly lost interest with nursing as soon as we introduced a bottle when we supplemented with formula. This resulted in alot of mom tears but I had to increase my pumping in order to return to work anyway, we just did it quicker that I would have liked.

MJ and I have had a great circle of friends step in to give us a couple nights out. We managed dinner out on my actual birthday thanks to my childhood friend Chad. I even had a yummy Guinness (hey, its good for milk production!) and we also had a fancy dinner out the following weekend at Nana's. We had a gift certificate and we did the tasting menu. Michael told me I had been watching to much Top Chef when I turned and looked at him and commented on the excellent blend of sweet and bitter flavors in our steak dish :)

Harper is growing like a weed and is almost out of newborn clothes mostly due to length issues. She had her one month appointment and her stats are:

Weight: 9.4 (47th percentile)

Length: 21.75 (68th percentile)

Head circumference:14.8 (55th percentile)

Harper managed to rock two Halloween costumes this year. First she was Hedwig to Michael's Harry Potter. And yes, so begins the costume making :)

She was fortunate to receive lots of Halloween gear...I guess people think I like that day or something!

Her second costume was a kitty cat...complete with puppy friend. I am thinking that will not be the last time she gets licked in the face by Luna!

She is sleeping well most nights and we are hoping as we transition to week 7 that a schedule will appear as I will soon be returning to work (can't even talk about it without tearing up) and having a routine will be important. She is smiling and reaching for objects. She holds her head well and even manages to lock her legs and "stand" when Michael is holding her. She is a total joy and we are so intrigued to see if her blond curls are permanent. Most people are in agreement that she looks like Michael although the Range nose made its way into her genes.

Overall, we are doing well. We are enjoying the sunny Fall days and try to take Luna for a walk each day...okay, maybe every other :)

A brief photo update

Lets be honest, most of my days are spent nursing my child and continuing to figure out each little cry, grimace or smile so there is nothing major to report. I occasionally manage to take Luna (our dog) for a walk and take a shower each day. We have had some visitors stopping by to meet the little lady including her big brother and sister.

We are slowly learning Harper's likes (sometimes the swing, baths, all things milk related) and dislikes (not being in Mommy's arms when trying to sleep, sometimes the swing, the Moby when its warm outside).

Here's a few photos of Harper...she already looks bigger to me!

Our Girl!

On September 23, our lives changed forever when we welcomed Harper Lee Smith into our lives. She weighed 8lbs and 8oz and arrived with a head of blond curls. The curls are from mommy and the blond is from daddy. Grandma and grandpa were there to meet their newest granddaughter.

Beware: If you continue to read below, you may learn more that you will want to know about my birth story so read at your own risk.

It all started on Wednesday night when I thought I was having bladder issues. Goodness knows that I pretty much had to pee constantly in my pregnancy but this evening I was going constantly, almost like a slow leak. I called my doula who said that I could wait til morning to call the doctor. I went to work on Thursday, attended a meeting and then called my doctor to explain my "leak". They set me up with an appointment for 12:30 so I left to pick up Michael. We managed to squeeze in a lunch at Mellow Mushroom prior to our appointment.

I met with the NP who pulled did a paper test and determined that my water had broken or was "leaking". We were to be admitted but MJ and I had to return to his office for his car and to our house to pick up our hospital bag. We arrived around 3:00 and after a short wait in the admitting area I was wheeled to the Maternity floor. It was all a bit surreal. I imagined my admission to be at night while I was in active labor. Instead, I was feeling totally fine and managed to make some phone calls on the way to the hospital.

We got there and they shut the door and MJ and I just looked at one another like, "now what?"

They put in my IV and gave me some antibiotics and started the pitocin drip to kick start my labor. My doula arrived and the three of us started walking laps in the hall. We watched part of Bridesmaids and Project Runway and finally I was starting to feel some strong contractions. I was only 1cm (barely) at admission so I knew I had a ways to go.

My parents arrived and spent time moving from the room, coaches corner (where they had snacks, etc.) and the waiting area. Throughout the night my contractions continued to increase in intensity and I continued to move from the bed, the birth ball, the tub and Michael's arms. Whatever brought relief was the position that won in the moment. The most relief was in the tub by far...I would have stayed there forever if I could have. My doula, Anne was wonderful and encouraging and such a support to both MJ and I. She gave me a foot massage, talked me through contractions and made suggestions of alternate positions to try for relief. Often being hugged by Michael provided the most relief.

Around 8am, I was in the tub after no sleep and MJ was pouring warm water over my belly which seemed to lessen the contractions. I was really tired but after 16+ hours I knew some progress had been made. I looked at MJ with tears in my eyes and asked, what if I've made no progress? He replied that I MUST have after such a hard night.

My fears came true when the doctor checked me at 8am and said I was at 2cm. I was utterly deflated and all self-doubt came rushing over me. They upped my pitocin and said that at 4cm I could have an epidural. I had thought long and hard about an epidural. Both my doula and Michael knew that I did not want one if I could avoid it. No, I wasn't trying to be a martyr. First, I hate needles. I know that you do not see it, but my IV alone was enough to cause me distress so sitting still while a large one was placed in my back was not something I wanted to tackle. Second, I moved around ALOT in labor and I knew an epidural would limit that and confine me to my bed. I did not like the idea of not having control over ways I wanted to move in order to tolerate the pain.

Over the next two hours I moved to 5cm and my nurses (Gail and Cheryl) came to talk to me about the epidural. Gail has been a L&D nurse for decades and Cheryl was from mother/baby and was shadowing for the day. They were both wonderful and complimented each other in a good cop/bad cop kind of way. Gail had seen me moving alot and had read the notes from the previous nurse and had my same concern about my inability to move after having an epidural. She totally supported me and offered Stadol instead. It doesn't take away the pain but is a short acting pain reliver that allows the mom to rest between contractions and lessens the length of the contraction or at least makes it seem that its shorter. You can only have three doses and each dose only lasts an hour.

I made more progress every hour and a half or so and around 4pm I finally made it to 10cm and wanted to push. An hour later, Harper arrived. The cord was around her neck so it took her a couple minutes (three to be exact) to cry. It was the longest three minutes of my life but totally worth it. All the pain quickly subsided when I saw her and held her against me. We are truly blessed!!

Nesting with Food

Today, Michael and I got up early and headed to downtown Durham for the Farmer's Market. Christian, being the typical teenager opted to stay home and watch the numerous episodes of Charmed that we DVR for her. She missed out!

It was beautiful and sunny which brought everyone out to the market. We stocked up on red, yellow and purple peppers, basil, tomatoes, onions, garlic, peaches, etc. Everything was so bright and colorful that I couldn't resist stopping at every stand just to check things out. We ended out trip with a stop by Daisy Cakes , an up and coming bakery that currently sells out of a streamiliner mobile home which is parked in front of where there shop is to be located. This morning I may have purchased a black and white cupcake (for later) and a warm blueberry and peach tart topped with homemade whipped cream (for then). So yummy and the perfect way to end the trip to the Farmers Market.

Next we headed to Trader Joe's for some groceries and decided that we really need to shop there more often because the prices cannot be beat. We were able to get everything on our regular grocery store list at a much lower price plus so many other unique items that Harris-Teeter does not carry.

Next we headed home and to start nesting. Between Michael and I we:

• baked a loaf of whole wheat bread (Michael)


• made homemade salsa with plenty to freeze (Christie)


• blended three batches of pesto, three pint bags per batch (joint effort)


• roasted a turkey breast (Michael)


• created a homemade spinach dip (Christie)


• mixed Deb D's corn, pepper, feta and black bean salad (Michael)


• cooked chicken for tonight's dinner of pesto chicken panini's (Christie)


• soaked and cooked black beans the looong way (Michael)


• washed ALL the dishes, cutting boards, knives, machinery from said food prep (Michael)

All of this was completed by 3pm. Needless to say, I took a nap afterwards. I have not felt this productive in months and now our freezer has some yummy eats for when the little lady decides to make an appearance.

One year ago today...

I married my best friend. There's no one else I would want to travel with along this crazy, scary and amazing journey. I love you MJ and I cannot wait for our 1st Anniversary present to arrive.

Only two months this time!

(This post is dedicated to my two loyal followers...Sue and Jessica)

Greetings from pregnancyland! Yup, 38 weeks on Tuesday and no progress as of last appointment. Yes, I have had a few Braxton-Hicks but nothing to call the doctor about. I am large and round and feel fortunate that I gained most of my weight in my belly...as you can see below. I have managed to take on some fabulous edema as you can see in my face...you are so lucky this did not include a picture of my feet!!

Despite the puffiness and large round belly, I am actually feeling pretty well. I am still working full time at the hospital...trekking back and forth between our transplant floor and clinic. Granted I walk a bit slower but I am making it work so that I can use my time off once Squirt arrives.

The last few months have been relatively uneventful. I have been blessed with the most magnificent co-workers, friends and family who hosted a variety of showers and brunches. Also, the generous hand me-downs cannot be beat!! Our child will not need clothes until she's about 6 months old. Here's a couple pics from the various pre-baby activities:

This Cake was made by the 14 year old neighbor of a co-worker. She did an AMAZING job and it tasted fabulous. I think she's the next Martha Stewart!

Mom, Marina (niece), myself with Kaylie (Marina's friend). Auntie Coreen and Deb (sister) in Myrtle Beach in July. We had a yummy brunch followed by cupcakes!

Jennifer and Marion and I at my work shower. They are the two other social workers in Peds Bone Marrow. They are truly amazing and fabulous and are my little mothers at work. They look over me and check in to make sure I am not working too hard. They also spoil Squirt on a regular basis. We can thank Marion for a purple baby snowsuit and a ton of cute hats. Jennifer is the consignment shopper guru and is constantly leaving barely used or never used items on my desk at work.

MJ has worked tirelessly on getting the room ready. We have received a ton of hand me downs from our friends Webster and Willie including this awesome crib. We managed to reorganize the spare room into a guest room/nursery. I will post more pics later once more stuff is put away.

Hoping that my next post will include pics of the little lady!!

A 3 month hiatus...

So, yes it been three months since my last post. I am a huge slacker but in part I blame my new job. I am on the go from the moment I get into work and since my office is not at the hospital (in fact I only get there once a week) I do not often have time to sit at a computer and check out blogs. Reading other people's posts was always good motivation and a reminder to update mine. And lately, I tend to go home and rest as opposed to play on the computer which was also a good motivator for blogging.

I also blame being pregnant. I have become the MOST forgetful person since I have learned my body is not just mine anymore. I have forgotten things like my lunch on the counter, errands I meant to run, calls I needed to make. I am not saying I am the most organized person in the world but this is a little out of character for me so it has taken some adjusting. I now write EVERYTHING down. My lists have lists! We have a group of post-its on our kitchen cabinet with reminders because it will be forgotten if it isn't penciled in somewhere. As of late, I do feel like I am regaining some of my memory but for awhile there it was looking grim.

So, what have the last three months looked like? Well we:

• both worked ALOT. MJ has been super busy but luckily no traveling so far


• Went to NY for Karen's Bachelorette. So much fun and I even managed to squeeze in a visit with Jen, my college roommate. Although, reflecting back I must admit that I giggle a bit we stayed at a "fitness" hotel. I think Karen and Michael worked out once but the pregnant threesome, not so much!


• Weekend work events: Rainbow Walk of Heroes and two Services of Remembrance. I was on planning committee for two of these events and although they went well, its just not as relaxing when you work on the weekend too!


• Christian was confirmed and we spend the night in Wilmington and managed to squeeze in some swim time at the hotel pool.


• I attended a conference in Atlanta. It was a blast and I was able to catch up with a college friend Pete who gave me a tour of Atlanta and took us to the Aquarium. It was absolutely amazing...by far the best aquarium I have ever visited. We also had our conference dinner at the World of Coke which was super fun too.


• I volunteered at a overnight bereavement camp for kids. I gained a new perspective on the volunteers I had at Camp Care...I cannot believe they were able to do that for 5 days. I was exhausted after one!


• I attended my niece Marina's graduation in Ohio...so proud of her and even more excited that she's going to college in Myrtle Beach!


• Went to our first Durham Bulls Game of the season. Although if this heat keeps up, it may be our last.


• Attended Michael's cousin Kyles wedding in Virginia Beach. We were able to see lots of MJ's family. We had breakfast at his uncles' the next morning with all of his aunts, uncles and cousins which was really special. It's so nice to see MJ from the perspective of his family. They absolutely adore him and I only hope we see them more often.


• Attended Karen's wedding in Chicago. It was absolutely amazing and such a fun time. Despite being pregnant I felt like a pretty lady with my hair and make-up done but I did not hold a candle to the bride. She was breathtaking and her smile never left her face the entire day!


• My college roomie Maura gave birth to a little girl, Sophie Claire. I am so excited for her and selfishly it reminded me that, "Holy crap! I'm next!"

So, needless to say, we haven't been sitting around over the last few months. Life has been busy and Squirt has been growing. I have felt really well up until a week ago. I think the changes are finally catching up to my body. Squirt is moving all the time which makes me happy. I am sure it will get to a point where the movements do NOT feel good but so far I love feeling her squirm around in there.

I am looking forward to vacation in Oak Island in two weeks. A week with good friends and some quality NA beer will be just what I need before we hit the homestretch of pregnancy.

Baby Bump

Well I am 15 weeks on Tuesday. So far things are going well. I am slowly getting bigger although my clothes still seem to fit. This week my hunger has kicked in and I know I am taking in more calories than I have in months. I have a terrible sweet tooth that I have NEVER had before. I crave anything from donuts to cupcakes...candy to ice cream! I hope this goes away once Squirt is born. We have our 18 week ultrasound in a few weeks and I CANNOT wait to find out the baby's sex. I kept going back and forth about whether or not I wanted to find out. Michael was willing to do either and left the decision up to me. I thought about it for awhile and realized that I hate referring to Squirt as an "it" and who are we kidding...I am a planner and I need to know! Emotions are running high these days. The other night Michael came home and we decided to head out for dinner. While walking to the car, I started crying...for no reason! Luckily, my husband was forewarned that my already sensitive side was going to give him a run for his money so he just hugged me and held my hand and let me cry. Poor guy...he's been such a trooper. This roller coaster of emotions is starting to make me dizzy. I can't believe I still have 20+ weeks of this :)

Two Jobs

So I am number one slacker these days. Life has consisted of going to work, sitting on the couch and going to bed. Yet, I have been working two jobs for the last three months. One, as I shared in my last post is my new position at work. I am really into the swing of things there and I am enjoying my work with the families. My second job is that I am the VERY PROUD and only employee at the Smith Baby Factory.

Yup...we are pregnant!

It has been the MOST surreal three months...EVER!

I would like to first say that we did NOT find out we were pregnant until after the Cincinnati trip just to dispel any rumors on why we did not make it to the NYE bash.

We found out in early January after three pregnancy tests...yes, I said three.

We did not think it would be this easy since we weren't even officially "trying" but I guess good things happen when you least expect it.

I started having symptoms pretty soon after finding out. Minor things at first and then I was slapped in the back of the head with nausea and unfortunately, often it didn't stop there. Luckily, I quickly learned to keep food down with the help of ginger ale and small snacks throughout the day.

Yesterday was out First Trimester Screen. Since I am considered "advanced maternal age" (aka: older than dirt) they recommend this screen to determine my risks for Down Syndrome and the Trisomy's. Luckily Squirt (as the little one is known due to a small resemblance at our 8 week ultrasound to a baby sea turtle) is doing great. All of our measurements came back positive and Squirt is growing well.

Squirt was very active on the ultrasound yesterday. It was a bit strange to see something moving inside of me yet not be able to feel it. We cannot wait until the next ultrasound to see more details but here's a small glimpse of the little one...

Life update

So there's been lots going on in these parts of the world and I have certainly fallen off the posting wagon. I'll be honest, when I get home from work the last thing I want to do is get on the computer. Unlike my husband, playing on the computer has never been my thing. But, I figured I could get off my butt and update you all on life in Carolina Blue Heaven.


We've had an abnormally cold winter for these parts and I am forever grateful that Mr. Punxatawny Phil did not (or did he) see his shadow...whatever he did or didn't see I was told that winter is on the way out. We have had a few sunny and....wait for it...65 degree days to prove it. I didn't even wear a coat to work yesterday! It was beauteous and reminded me why I live here :)


I started my new job at the beginning of the year in the Pediatric Bone Marrow Transplant Department. I am one of three social workers dedicated to this department and so far things are going very well. I am fortunate to work with families both inpatient and outpatient which provides for much more consistency for them. I do ALOT more walking especially since my office is three blocks from the hospital. I have worked out a pretty good schedule of office and hospital time and so far things are going well.

MJ is doing well. He has been traveling for work lately. He is currently in Nampa, Idaho and I am hoping this will be his last trip for awhile.

Christian turned 13 a few weeks ago...gulp! She's doing well in school and continues to fill us in on the drama in the life of a teenager. Daniel is also doing well. He will be transitioning to a program a little closer to us which will allow for more frequent visits.

Luna pup is growing and is as hyperactive as ever. She is still having some health stuff which has unfortunately helped her develop some poor potty habits but it looks like she's on the mend and we are hoping we've turned a positive corner.

Overall, life is pretty good here. I hope all is well in your corner of the world.